I decided to take part in the Knights of Micro Fiction contest this month, hosted by the awesome Kathy at Imagine Today and Jess at Write.Skate.Dream. Go and check out both their blogs if you don't know them and join in the challenge if you fancy it! They post a story prompt on the 13th of each month and participants have until 11.59pm on the 15th to post their entries. By the 17th, two winners will be chosen to be featured on their blogs. Here's this month's prompt:
Write a 200 word or less, flash fiction beginning with this phrase: Her eyes shot open....
You are free to change the gender and the POV if you want to.
Here's my entry of exactly 200 words. I had half an hour to write it as I was at my daughter's sports day this morning and I edited it over lunch. All feedback welcome!
The Clearing
Her
eyes shot open, then closed again. She hadn’t expected blinding sunlight, and
her fuzzy mind tried to retreat into oblivion. But she knew something was wrong,
so she slid one eye open to find clouds instead and leaves in her peripheral
vision.
She
sat up and tried to work out why she was in a forest clearing, panic rising within
her as she realised she had no idea what had happened last night. Had she been
violated, left for dead?
Although
she was in one piece, it didn’t mean something bad hadn’t happened. The first
thing to do was get home, then get herself checked out by a doctor. She stood
up unsteadily.
At
the edge of the clearing, her phone rang. She didn’t recognise the number and
answered warily.
“Hello?”
“Hi,
it’s Davey.” Ah... “Are you OK?”
“Not
really. I’m in a forest.”
“Yeah,
sorry about that. We left the party together, but you passed out. Then my
girlfriend showed up at the house and phoned because I wasn’t there. I panicked
and ran back. Do you want some help?”
“No
thanks, I’ll manage.” She hung up and reminded herself not to go to any more student
parties.
33 comments:
Well he certainly isn't a gentleman leaving a lady in distress! Great writing.
Great post Nick! Thanks for joining in.
I wouldn't go to anymore parties either if I woke up in a forest!
That was rude!
Who would leave a defenseless girl alone in a forest after a party?! I hope she sobers up and punches that guy in the face ... AND never go to any more events with him :D Great piece, Nick!
Nice post! Gives a feeling of uneasiness in the beginning, then the reason becomes clear! Loved reading it. :)
Thanks for stopping by my blog!
Hi Nick .. yes at least she wasn't left wondering what on earth had gone on ... and he was decent enough to think twice and phone ..
Good sports day story .. cheers Hilary
I like the tension in the beginning, which is resolved in the end.
Technical things: "Her eyes shot open, then closed again. She hadn’t expected blinding sunlight (comma here) and her fuzzy mind tried to retreat into oblivion. But it knew something was wrong," Should "it" in this sentence be "she"?
Nice job!
LOL! I'm laughing at comments! Fun to read. Definitely a jerk, but brilliant writing. Very fun!
Well that's one jerk of a friend. Or perhaps I should say ex-friend, especially after this, eh?
Very nice feel to the whole piece.
Sally - No - or for cheating on his girlfriend. Thanks!
Kathy - Thanks. Those parties can get out of hand!
Alex - Indeed.
Fairbetty - Well, he phoned back, but a jerk all the same. Thanks!
Julie - Lol, thanks.
Ashna - Thanks. That's what I was going for - it could have been a lot more sinister.
Hilary - Thanks. I appreciate everyone's comments because I wasn't sure how this would be received!
The sports day was fun. Kind of organised chaos.
Susan - Thanks, I appreciate the feedback. "It" in this case was supposed to be her mind, but I can see how it could be confusing. I'll edit accordingly!
Leigh - Thanks very much!
Aldrea - Yes, hopefully she won't tangle with him again. Thanks!
Great flash! Though definitely not a great guy. Nice flow to your writing.
Nice job on this piece! You got me all kinds of mad at the jerk-off who left her in the woods, passed out, by herself! I also want to have a nice long chat with this gal, I mean what was she thinking!! (:
I knew a few people who would do things like this back in the day. Fortunately, I always found my way back home. I may not remember how the next morning, but I made it back.
Love your entry! :-)
Ha! Well, at least he called her, but still. Cute story.
Kathy M.
Ooh very nicely done! I love the tension in the beginning! Great entry and thanks for participating!
Hey Nick just wanted to let you know that you were chosen as one of our winners!! I'll be emailing you shortly. :)
Congratulations on winning! :D
^^ High 5 Nick and congrats! :D
I know I've already left a comment, but I had to come back to let you know that I have an award waiting for you first thing Monday morning on my blog. Hope you check it out. :)
What a nasty piece of work this guy is! Hey, but congrats on having a winning entry!
Michael - Thanks very much, and thanks for the award! :)
Elise - Thanks, I'm glad I provoked a strong reaction!
Stephen - Hang on, you knew people who would leave you passed out in the woods?! Sounds like a pretty shady past, or maybe I just didn't make the most of my youth! Congrats on your Breakthrough party. I'll be putting a shout out on the blog hopefully by the end of the day.
C.B. - Thank you.
Kathy - I think he was just worried she might not have been alive!
Jess, Kathy - Thanks a lot, and thanks for choosing me as a winner! It was stiff competition for sure.
Ashna - Thanks!
C.M. - Yeah, a sleazebag alright. Thanks! :)
Wow. What a douche. I think my response would have involved quite a few more four letter words than hers did.
(Happy belated Father's Day, by the way!)
I love your writing, Nick! You've got a nice easy flow to it... very comfortable to the reader, which lets the story shine through. Great stuff.
Hey congratulations Nick. :)
Great take on the prompt by the way. Win very well deserved. :)
Great job!
What a sucky friend to just leave her. I'd have kicked him where it hurts. haha
What a terrible situation to be in, but at least she's okay. Great piece.
At least she woke up in the end . . . what a situation.
Great story!
lol! The poor thing!
Great story.
I love this! Brilliant! Did not expect the end from where it started out which is what makes me love it even more.
Tobi - Lol. I don't think she thought it was worth it. And thanks!
Morgan - Thank you! That means a lot. :)
Usama - Thanks! I liked your entry too. Hope you go for it again next month.
Julia - Thanks. I'm getting a lot of these sort of responses from female readers!
Medeia, Golden, Lynda - Thanks!! :)
Lisa - Thank you. If a reader's surprised by the ending then I'd consider that a job well done!
Hahahaha that sounds like some party.
Misha - Memorable for the wrong reasons!
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